Ten Tips to Enjoy the Teen Years
By Joanne Baum, PhD.
"The Parenting Maven"
Remember the terrible twos, which, by the way, I renamed the Terrific Twos? Well, you're in for another ride, only this one is longer, unpredictable, and the stakes are higher. The ride is full of excitement including: bouts of independence, amazing discussions, testing limits, joyous gut wrenching laughs, asserting oneself, incredible insights, pushing boundaries, pride in how your child thinks things through, fear about how your child thinks things through, making decisions "my way!," poignant moments you wouldn't trade for anything, fearful nights wondering where she/he is when your child is not home at curfew, moments of extreme pride in how your child copes with life's adversities, and arguments you never imagined you'd have.
It can be kind of like a roller coaster leading to someplace you didn't know you were going with twists and turns you can't foresee till you're right on them. Its fun, it's challenging, and it's fearsome at times. I guess the teen years are kind of a metaphor for life all smashed into a relatively short period. So what's a parent to do?
Here are Ten Tips for Enjoying Rather than Enduring Teen Years:
- Remember it is a teen's developmental life task to test limits and find where he/she belongs in life. It's hard for you and it's hard for them. So remember that and relax a little during the challenging times.
- A teen is pushing you away even as sub or unconsciously he needs you to be there, present and interested.
- Pick your battles.
- Have faith that if you gave your child a solid, respectful beginning with strong values and guidelines, your child will be okay. You'll see glimpses and longings throughout, hold onto those and build upon them.
- Let your child make mistakes and then discuss them respectfully asking your child what he/she wants to learn from them and how she/he would like to handle that kind of a situation differently if they should ever face it again. Ask them if they'd like your ideas after they share theirs or if they truly feel lost as to how to handle it differently offer some suggestions if they're interested.
- Avoid lectures by questioning and listening attentively and respectfully.
- Keep the lines of communication open. Be interested and give feedback without shame based admonishments.
- Set respectful limits, consequences and boundaries when necessary.
- Make those tough parental decisions but explain as calmly as possible why they've earned them and why you're doing what you're doing.
- Prayer and meditation help.
I don't know who has a more difficult time with teen years, parents or kids. It's truly such an incredible time of growth, sharing, conflict and hope. Every parent I've spoken with has his or her share of stories about challenging times they've had and wonderful times they've had. It's the nature of the time period. Hormones are raging, increasing responsibilities are looming, kids think they know it all and deep down they know they haven't that many clues so it's scary to them, but they defend against their fears with defenses of, "I know it all" and "I don't need you."
Remember they do need you. They need you to be their parent, to be there for them, to set and keep appropriate limits, consequences and boundaries, even when they're taller than you, and, they need you to know they still love you even as they have to push back in that last senior year of High School so they can leave and be successful out there when you're not around. But when they are around – they still need you, no matter what they say. Perhaps the key is learning how to be present but not in their face, and to be interested but not intrusive. If you can keep all that in balance, you can enjoy your last years of being a full time parent.
Dr. Joanne Baum is a therapist, speaker, parenting coach, mediator, author, and columnist. With more than thirty years of clinical experience Dr. Baum specializes in issues faced by couples, parents, families, and individuals. Joanne is available as a parent coach in person, via phone or e-mail. Joanne also works as a divorce coach, child specialist, and Child and Family Investigator for divorcing families. Dr. Baum is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, a Board Certified Diplomat in Clinical Social Work, and a Certified Alcoholism Counselor, Level III. Dr. Baum has authored four books including her recent book, Got the Baby...Where's the Manual?!? She has a private practice in Evergreen, Colorado. For more information visit www.respectfulparenting.com or call 303-670-3948.
