Whose Homework Is It? Yours or Your Child's?
Avoiding Homework Battles
By Joanne Baum, PhD.
"The Parenting Maven"
Your first grader may have watched an older sibling doing his homework and been anxious to get into that interesting looking task herself. Or, your first grader may have watched an older sibling struggling with his homework and dreaded when she was going to be old enough to have to do homework too. Or, your first grader may be your oldest child, have had no experience watching a sibling doing homework and has his or her own unique experience with this new task. Will it be a power struggle lasting the next 12 years for all of you, or, will homework be something your child does, enjoying it at times and dreading it at times. No matter how it is handled on a daily basis, homework will be a part of your child's life from now on.
How the process of doing homework goes is largely dependent on how your child behaves with each assignment and how you react to those behaviors. Here are ten tips to allow your child's homework to truly be your child's homework and not your responsibility.
Ten Tips to Having Homework Be Your Child's Responsibility and Not Yours:
- From the first assignment be supportive but not overly involved. There is a difference between interested involvement and over involvement. Watch the boundary.
- Make it clear to your child that homework gets done before more informal and fun activities can begin in the afternoon/evening. It is up to you to make sure that limit happens. Be consistent and don't give in. If an important TV show is coming on, tape it or TiVo it so your child can watch it as a reward when the homework is done.
- Don't fight! Stay calm. Walk away if necessary - but simply remind your child - first things first - and the first thing (after a healthy snack) is homework.
- You can ask your child how she plans on completing an assignment. Then ask her if she'd like your input as to other ideas you might have. Your ideas should be along the lines of time management. Don't take over your child's assignments. They should look like your child did them, not you.
- If your child does not understand something ask your child if he or she would like you to help. Never assume you should swoop in and explain. Compliment your child on her attempts to learn a difficult concept.
- If your child is doing a sloppy job or going very fast and not doing a very thorough job you could say something like, "You know I can see you're going very fast with this assignment. Can you tell me why?" Listen to your child's answer carefully; there may be clues for you to work with in that response. Tell your child something like, "Thanks for telling me why you've been going so fast..." and then work with the explanation encouraging your child to try a scientific experiment - if he'll turn in the fast job and a second version, that was done in a more thoughtful way that he can be even more proud of, he can see what his teacher says about both assignments. Then let him choose which method he'd like to use on future assignments.
- If your child asks for your feedback, give it objectively and carefully based on how much work and effort your child put in and what you know your child is capable of doing. Remember, your child's teacher is not expecting an adult's ability but your child's abilities.
- Communicate with the teacher so you know what your child's teacher expects and you can help your child see how her efforts measure up to the teacher's standards.
- When possible help make homework fun and not an arduous task.
- If your child refuses to do homework, do not allow the fun things to happen that evening. Tell your child calmly that you're sorry he made that choice and you'll both just have to see what the teacher says and does. Make sure your child understands that TV, reading, playtime is cancelled because of his decision, and, if he'd like to change his decision and do his homework, then there's always time up until bedtime to do that. If your child decides not to do his homework at all, after your child is in bed, call or e-mail his teacher and alert the teacher that you want your child to receive an appropriate consequence for not doing his homework (maybe missing recess for a day or two?) so your child learns that decisions have consequences.
Power struggles can be avoided by not engaging. Decisions are your child's to make. Earning the consequences you have outlined in advance - such as no TV, no stories, and no play time - that is your responsibility to follow through with if necessary. If you're calm, consistent, empathetic -"It's too bad you decided not to do your homework, because I'll miss reading to you tonight," you may see a surprising turn around. When you say something like that once, with true feeling, your child may realize it may just be worth his effort to buckle down and do the homework instead of missing story time.
Dr. Joanne Baum is a therapist, speaker, parenting coach, mediator, author, and columnist. With more than thirty years of clinical experience Dr. Baum specializes in issues faced by couples, parents, families, and individuals. Joanne is available as a parent coach in person, via phone or e-mail. Joanne also works as a divorce coach, child specialist, and Child and Family Investigator for divorcing families. Dr. Baum is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, a Board Certified Diplomat in Clinical Social Work, and a Certified Alcoholism Counselor, Level III. Dr. Baum has authored four books including her recent book, Got the Baby...Where's the Manual?!? She has a private practice in Evergreen, Colorado. For more information visit www.respectfulparenting.com or call 303-670-3948.
